When you marry the ‘wrong’ person

Could it be that marrying the wrong person is sometimes confused with being too young emotionally for  marriage?

Everyone looking to marry longs for a long, blissful relationship. However, we can still marry the wrong person.” What pushes us in that direction? Why do we do it? The truth is that nobody’s perfect. A successful marriage is a union of two committed adults who love each other deeply, unselfishly, and respectfully. They must be willing to share a commitment to keep their wedding vows alive.
Could it be that marrying the wrong person is sometimes confused with being too young emotionally for  marriage?

The problem arises when two imperfect people expect an instant, perfect relationship when they’re not willing to pay the price to make it happen. We rarely delve into the complexities that come with relationships. We start casually but never allow our partners to reveal their ugly side, which can threaten the marital bond if not handled properly. When our flaws are revealed early in dating, we are quick to either justify them or shirk responsibility. The impression we create during courtship is that we are quite easy to live with. With time, we don’t give careful thought to what makes relationships last. What, then, governs the way we make our choices: 

1. We tend to be shallow.

When you realise that this is the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with, you should do due diligence to ensure that you are compatible. The best you can do is determine what will sustain the relationship, what will make it work.

2. We look for the wrong things in people.

We should marry someone for the right reasons. Marrying because of loneliness or dating someone for what they have rather than for who they are is not only shallow, but also blinds us to what really makes a great marriage partner. 

3. We marry hoping the excitement will last forever.

Some people feel they are in the wrong relationship when the initial excitement starts wearing off. However, the truth is that the excitment we feel at beginning or when we propose is neither a guaranteed foundation on which to build a great relationship nor a measure of a partner’s suitability. What we need to look for is a solid connection between what we feel and what it takes to make a relationship work. In his classic work, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm says, “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were just a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever.”

EDUCATING THE MIND

It is easy to look back and see the reason(s) why our marriage or that of a friend failed. The reason is that after being  married, we become objective as we reflect on the reasons that led us to choose the “wrong” partner or the choices that led to the failure of the relationship.

Glynn DeMoss Wolfe, the world’s most married man (29 times), once said: “Marriage is like stamp collecting. You keep looking to find that rare one.”

Nothing comes easy. We must work hard to achieve our dreams. Bringing balance to this discussion, Mark Gungor, a pastor and author of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage argues, “The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the ‘right’ person, feeling the ‘right’ emotions, thinking the ‘right’  thoughts, or even praying the ‘right’ prayers. It’s about doing the ‘right’ things - period!”

Our biggest problem, he says, is that when couples run into difficulties or have conflicts, they assume they must have made a mistake and married the wrong person.

As Aristotle said, “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Education equips us with the knowledge we need to relate better and turn what would have messed us up to our advantage. 

Every nation or home has certain laws. These laws are made for our benefit. They affect all, regardless of who they are. Interestingly we get surprised when the marriage starts to stink or stalls because we do not obey the rules of relating properly. So, if the marriage stinks and we are tempted to think we are in a wrong relationship, we need to ask ourselves whether we living according to the rules. Unfortunately, most  people live as though the rules don’t exist, let alone knowing what they are.

Referring to couples in trouble, Dr James Dobson in his book, Romantic Love, says,  “… love is not defined by the highs and lows, but is dependent on a commitment of will.”

He adds that “Stability comes from that irrepressible determination to make a success of marriage and to keep the flame aglow regardless of the circumstances the relationship faces.”